Null's Wacky New Catastrophic Half Deaf Shithammered Feng Shui Adventure

Here is the prognosis on my new injury, summarized by my ear doctor today in a formal meeting today, based on the patterns experienced, measured by instruments, and projected by experts over the last 2 weeks. I'm told there is no way for it to be exact, but these are the expectations that have been set today. First of all, the doctor has said that the condition I have is almost certainly either Labyrinthitis or Meniere's disease, which match my symptoms exactly.

https://www.nidcd.nih.gov/health/menieres-disease

In either case, I will likely have permanent, intermittent, variable deafness in my right ear for the rest of my life, ranging around a 35db loss across the entire band compared to my right ear. This will be accompanied by a near permanent state of about 20-100% dizziness and vertigo, and loss of motor control that routinely increases to a state feeling like 10 shots of tequila for hours or even days at a time, which I'm already experiencing around 1/4 of the time. I'm instructed to not depend on medicine but retraining myself to balance correct this as much as possible. Along with this comes reduced but functional motor control and the inability to drive, perform any activities, or operate any machinery that would be unsafe while intoxicated. I can still reach out and grab the right fork, but I might grab a spoon instead, and in extreme cases, I have to stagger to a cab and go home like I’ve had too much to drink, which in Las Vegas casinos, is wildly unexpected behavior and totally unheard of--it's worse than a church.

In addition, there will be an ever-present false sense of pressure from my right side coming from things and people that are not there, and a motor control response driving me to resist or anticipate things approaching from the right side. This is already an issue whenever there's someone on my right side--usually eating lunch at a bar instead of a table. I tend to glance awkwardly to the right for no reason, or suddenly twitch to the left a bit. When this happens, I simply inform them of my injury, and there's never been a problem, but it's weird. They always see the Army cap though, and make the routine assumptions, and frequently it actually leads to positive conversations. Those are strained by my distraction with a 50db dialtone in my ear, and it's affecting my quality of thought and conversation, but I'm functional enough to be a normal human being in public, with a slight "crazy looking old veteran twitchiness" that people seem to find forgivable, especially because anyone can tell by looking at me I was a soldier. I never wear those gaudy clothes screaming "veteran" or the hats or vests with all the pins screaming for attention and shit all over them, but I do wear a plain tasteful black army cap with a small star and Army logo when I go out.

The major concern in all of this is how it will change me as a person, and what it will change me into, and that is a function of severity, intermittency, and how it changes my capacity to rest and my day to day quality of thought--because I am a constitutionally mental creature--everything about my life is analytical and exploratory, and quality of thought and concentration is the root of that. This affects my capacity to concentrate. I'm hoping I can discipline myself to not let it be a problem, but I can see already that the reality I'm facing is a permanent state of diminished capacity, and the constant nuisance of a 50db dialtone blasting in my ear that never goes away. I hope I'm wrong about that, but all evidence suggests this is the truth.

One interesting way of looking at this that I think really helps to fully understand the difference between who I was and who I am becoming, is a Feng Shui perspective that I'm just drunk. Feng Shui is total bullshit--but there is one very useful feature of the perspective in understanding things well. If you want someone to understand how to arrange decor, you can spend the rest of your life explaining that people don't feel at east with their ass out the window, or you can just say "Just imagine there's a dragon sitting in the middle of the room." If you want to understand how to catch a baseball with a glove, you can get a career NASA pilot to explain it to you in the vocabulary, formulae, equations, and calculations of 3-Dimensional Navigational Calculus--no problem, or you can go one better and just throw a ball at them and see what they do naturally, and then tell them what to change. That's better isn't it?

My meaning is that in planning the person I am to become, I just behave like I'm drunk, that's all. In fact, it's actually much easier than actually being drunk, because it's only the motor skills affected and nothing else--and it is not merely similar, it affects my motor skills identically. In that one way, it's actually an outstanding replacement for alcohol, and I can't believe I'm saying that, but it's totally true. I'll fight it all I'm able to, but if I'm stuck with it, it's a strange and massive upgrade from actually drinking.

I’ve had some weird things happen in my life, but I never thought I would experience an irony as cosmic as moving to Las Vegas, and suddenly becoming afflicted with a condition that replaces alcohol. That’s really weird, and the kind of magic that starts cults and religions. Maybe it's time to become a cult leader. lol

Lastly, I’ll say that I’m determined not to let this get me down. It’s going to be an annoying pain in the ass, and it’s a major setback in my life, but it’s the only area that’s true. Everything else is going my way, and I’m seeing massive health gains in terms of walking 3-5 miles a day, which is absolutely sustainable and increaseable, and there’s a world of difference between being hamstrung when you’re already down, versus being hamstrung when everything in your life is nearly perfect. So don’t waste any prayers on me, but please do contribute any useful information that occurs, because any details that can medically benefit my situation are a quick way of making friends, and any of my friends will tell you I’m a force multiplier to have as a friend.

So, welcome to Null’s Wacky New Catastrophic Half Deaf Shithammered Feng Shui Adventure!

Buckle your seatbelts, my friends--because it’s going to be a wild ride.

Penn & Teller: Scrabble Slave Released From Basement Prison

Not to mince words, but this poor man was abducted a decade ago, and kept in a basement with a Scrabble game, and forced to be a slave to his abductor, for over 10 years before he was rescued by the Grammar Police, and now he's gone completely feral, but has the most comprehensive vocabulary of anyone in the entire English speaking world.

Don't even bother watching the trick--just listen to him talk. It's ENDLESSLY ENTERTAINING! lol

Are Midgetsaws Inhumane?

Before you answer, you should know that the Americans With Disabilities Act specifically designates the Midgesaw punishment for any adult under 4 feet tall who kills a monkey with his shoe--even during a Dwarf Shortage. Congress keeps talking about "leaving it up to the state," but they wrote the fuckin law, so have the balls to stand by your convictions, dammit.

A Goatfucker's Valentines Day: "YOU Are the Goat" Candy Heart

I can't believe my fuckin eyes. This is, by any standard, a gift from whatever comedians pray to in the place of a God. I am so not making this up. Walmart is selling candy hearts for Goatfuckers. This is TRUE.

I always suspected Walmartians were goatfuckers.

One might ask why I would be so bold to make such a broad accusation, and the reason is, first of all because they fuck goats. Walmartians, be they customers or employees, are goatfuckers plain and simple, goatfuckers whose sole function in the universe is the pursuit and seduction of goats, for the purpose of fucking them, and the proselytization and furtherance of goatfucking in all cultures of the global village. Perhaps if the logical processes of civilization, like sacred texts, moral codes, law, and etiquette were printed on the inside of goats vaginas, they would develop past Walmart quality of life and raise themself up to a higher standard, but until that time, if it ever comes, if YOU need a goat fucked, Walmart customers or employees alike will fuck your goat for you, anywhere you say, in any hole you want, no questions asked, and no compensation required.

For fuck's sake, they're not even bothering to hide it anymore, they're banging their goats in public, and they're walking around with shirts that billboard it!

HERE IS THE PROOF!

FOLLOW THE LINK FOR YOURSELF

IF YOU THINK I'M LYING!

https://www.walmart.com/ip/Russell-Stover-Valentine-s-Day-Meme-Heart-Milk-Dark-Chocolate-Gift-Box-4-3-oz-7-Pieces/614079523?from=/search

Prick Up Your Ears--No, REALLY!

I never in my life thought I would be in a situation where I could honestly say I've experienced the standing Family Guy joke about "Prick Up Your Ears." 

I just had an Ear Nose and Throat Doctor inject my head through my fucking eardrum to prevent total deafness in my right ear, and says he's going to bless me with another prickpoling and these world-class orgasms about 5 more times over the next few weeks. I'm totally lying about it feeling like an orgasm. It felt like some primal Nazi grade Mengele shit, frankly. The good news is that it gives me the best chances to retain the most of my hearing in this ear so I'm pricking up my ears, so to speak.

The Army blessed my head with all kinds of fancy fucked up problems, as anyone who has known me for more than a few minutes has probably already shared with you. Besides the mental shit, I've had several traumatic brain injuries. Hell, I've been shot in the head 6 times, on top of everything else, but my helmet managed to deflect or absorb all the rounds. Needless to say, I tend to think differently than everyone else, and my stairs frequently don't reach the attic.

The good news is that the doctor says this delightful massage has a happy ending--probably. There is still a good chance of total deafness on my right side, but this will suppress those chances, and make what reduction there is more intermittent than constant.

There's no telling though. I'm deaf completely right now from the surgery. An injection doesn't usually count as surgery, but trying having it through your fucking eardrum and into the delicate parts of the inside of your head, and suddenly it feels like the word "surgery" very much applies. There's also this immediate afterwards excruciation pain, where you have to lay on your side and let it subside for half an hour without swallowing, and it's much less fun than the saddest and most tragic handjob in the world.

So, it's all over for today, and aside from repeating this nightmare half a dozen times over the next several weeks, I'm done, had a nice fettuccini at Olive Garden as a treat, my mood is a lot better and ready to joke about 'pricking up my ears,' and relaxing at home for a while with online friends. :)

By the way, speaking of fettuccini, did you know Les Neilson played a role of a character named "Fettuccini?" That's kind of amusing.

11 minutes 25 seconds in...

Chess Stories: Everyone Jumps Queen

It might be a result of watching Game of Thrones or Star Trek TNG's Gambit episode, and every time I play a game of chess, I imagine the roles of the pieces, and a generalized storyline that goes along with the movement of the pieces, and watch how they cooperate in the endgame, and my mind imagines a basic logic to how people with the same roles would behave in the real world, and how that effects the outcome of the game.

As some will recall from a while ago, I posted the somewhat radical notion of an additional rule of chess to reflect the reality of life--in that chess be played not as a game, but a campaign of games, with each successive game played only with the pieces remaining from the prior game. This is how things work in the real world--you don't stop when you get the upper hand, you continue to another battle and get the upper hand again, and you do it with whatever's left of your army from the previous battle. That's not even just warfare, that's all of life.

So what kind of story can we derive from this basic ending? I'd say maybe a good start might be something about a religious leader who has very good relations with the crown, being able to put the enemy King in the wrong in the eyes of his subjects, having not shown proper respect for the friendly King's good lady wife, and a knight standing by to move in and protect her, but a bit too far away to do it quickly, or maybe the knight is busy taking a shit, and needs time to wipe and get into the throneroom before he can defend her honor.

That would be my bet, because I'm guided by amusement instead of logic, but I think it's generally just a lot of fun to imagine a story lying behind the endgame, don't YOU?

So what do you think? Knight jumps Queen? lol

Be Kind

The highest state of philosophy is to be kind.

Some things are hard to understand for their complexity, but others for their simplicity. 

For all the countless trillions of collective hours human have spent in contemplation and sophistication of the mind, it all comes down to POINT. What is the point? If we see what the point of it all is, and we achieve that point, we win. If we don't, everything we say, think, or do is irrelevant and wasted, so it's pretty important to know what the point is--The point is everything.

Aldous Huxley spent around half a century studying and teaching philosophy at some of the finest academies in the Western world, and toward the end of his life, he made this statement:

"It's a little embarrassing that after 40 years of research in philosophy, the best advice I have to give anyone is 'Try to be a little kinder to eachother.'"

From this statement, I take it as a fundamental truth that the highest state of philosophy is missed by most because we seek complexity instead of simplicity. This is tragic for those who spend their entire lives in a state of preoccupied distraction, trying to constantly figure out how to improve the philosophical state of their lives, and missing the entire point of it all--that it doesn't matter how smart you are if you spend your life constantly being smacked on the nose with a rolled up newspaper for being a dick all the time. 

I take enormous reassurance from the knowledge that just by being kind, we can start our journey at the destination, so there is no journey, and we need no guide.

Obviously, we must impose limits so we're not taken advantage of, but with those in place, the simple habit of being kind, I believe, is why we get that ultimate sense of satisfaction when we do something nice for another, or a kitten curls up on our chest, or a child we raised to adulthood thanks us for doing well, or reducing the suffering of friends, or protecting those experiencing injustice, or the countless other forms that kindness takes, when given and received.

Evil men do not build catios.

It's not for me to tell others to be kind, and this isn't a sermon, it's just what I think, and you don't have to do everything I tell you, but I believe this to be true, based on my own experiences as well as the best advice and best practices established by the finest minds in the world, and it's how I intend to live.

I don't think it's a surprise to anyone that kindness raises us up, but I think the surprise is that it is selfish as well as selfless. There's a certain selfishness that is satisfied by being kind, and I think that gives us hope, no matter our state in the world.

It seems like good advice to me, so I'm going to go do that, but do as you like, it's your life. I would only ask that if you're really fucking stupid, that you try to think things through before being kind, because much of the misery in the world comes from misdirected or poorly considered righteousness--advice I will take myself same as everyone, by the way. 

Let's take a lesson from the Great Philosopher Gary the No Trash Cougar--when doing good for others, there is no substitute for thinking things through.

Vegas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 I have absofuckinglutely no fucking idea how to communicate what tonight has been like. No idea at all. I've ingested nothing more than a few shots of Jameson, but the experiences of tonight are absolutely beyond description.

I was eating steak and lobster at Planet Hollywood, and this incredibly hot chick who looked exactly like Trinity from The Matrix, came over and introduced herself to me and bought me a drink. We got talking, and she turns out to be the sister of the Director of Security for Fontaineblue--a $4 Billion Casino just opened on the Vegas strip. She got me drunk out of my mind and told me she was taking me to Area 51, and started to massage me in public right in front of god and everybody. I said fine, and she half dragged me to the Valet who brought her car around, which turned out to be the fanciest Cadillac SUV I've ever seen in my life, then at my request, blasted ZZ Top's Sharp Dressed Man while she played chicken with a bunch of cars on the strip. It's Friday night, so there's a lot of traffic, and needless to say, I put a lot of mileage on her OhShithandles.

We went into an aircraft hanger called Area 15--not Area 51, but it was clearly an aircraft hanger that had been converted into its own little world of the most--seriously, grab your balls and squeeze while I say this, because I cannot convey just how intense the sensations were. It was the single most radical sensory overload I've ever experienced in my life that was not chemically induced. Everywhere I went there were strobe lights, black lights with pastel painted walls, and adrenaline-charged activities like zip lines and all manner of neurotic stimuli. Words cannot convey just what a fucking stroke and heart attack this place was. I also had to pull her back from beating the shit out of a zipline mechanic for some reason. No, I'm NOT kidding. A Zipline mechanic almost get his skull caved in, and I had to prevent it. I don't know why and I can't explain, so just go with it.

She then told me she wants to go line dancing tomorrow. I don't even know what the fuck that means and I told her that, and she asked me to look up the Mustache Song from Million Ways to Die, and just practice that until she sends a limo to pick me up tomorrow around 8pm.

My nervous system is honestly so neurotically overwhelmed right now, I'm still trying to process my first fucking hour with her and all it means. If I was younger, I'd have tried to fuck her brains out, but I'm old enough to know that kind of stupid shit has consequences that avoiding will keep me a millionaire.

There's a very good chance I'm going to turn off my phone and ignore it altogether tomorrow.

She is absolutely stunningly beautiful--looks just like Trinity from The Matrix, but a little bit shorter. Honestly, this video is what my entire fucking night was like...

14 seconds in...

I feel like every second I spent with her tonight was like what it would feel like to be an exploding meth lab being raided by a SWAT team massacring turpentine-huffing crackwhores feeding gunpowder to a bunch of pitbulls assraping eachother.

This must be what it feels like to be a meth addict. I'll never know, because I'd never be dumb enough to try that shit, but this must be what if feels like.

Honestly, all I want right now is a cozy night at home, a nice cup of decaf, and a solid 8 hours of sleep.

Las Vegas is an amazing place--which is usually a recommendation, isn't it? Not always. Sometimes it's entirely TOO amazing, and one has to back the fuck off and vanish into a cozy bowl of soup and a teddy bear, and leave the phone off.

I can't fucking imagine how meth addicts in Vegas even survive. Living here is probably several times the risk to one's nervous system sober that any drug could put it to in the first place.

I was going to post a bunch of youtube links to videos of the wild night I just endured, but I'm going to just leave it at the ZZ Top drive down the Vegas strip and leave it at that. Trust me, your nervous system is a lot safer without all of tonight's experiences inside it. I'm not saying any of it was bad, but holy shit. I feel like I might need to drink about a hundred cans of Redbull just to calm down. lol

Joking of course. Going to relax with some faggoty chamomile tea instead--and I don't give a shit. Call me a fag if you like, but the reality of The Matrix is not the same as the movie The Matrix. It's a lot more exhausting, and you don't just get to leave the heart attack at the theater--it follows you home. lol

Too Much Cock In Vegas

 LAS VEGAS (KLAS) — Las Vegas is a city known for its showmanship, so it should come as no surprise that a local park features the bird species best recognized for its dazzling plumage.

Peacocks, technically known as peafowl, roam Floyd Lamb Park at Tule Springs to the delight and wonder of locals and tourists. However, the show might be over if something doesn’t change for the six male peacocks remaining at the city property.

“We don’t have any female peahens at the moment,” said Janna Hudson, Floyd Lamb Park Facility and Event Coordinator.

Janna Hudson talks about the peacocks at Floyd Lamb Park at Tule Springs on Thursday, Jan. 11, 2024. (Eric Jungblut / KLAS)

Hudson and other staff explained to 8 News Now the situation for the remaining peacocks is complicated since the wild fowl can’t be mated with their domestic counterparts, of which there are a few in neighboring properties.

“Our city team is figuring out what are our options,” Las Vegas Councilwoman Nancy Brune said. “Because it is such a unique feature the park would feel different if you didn’t come out here expecting to see the peacocks so hopefully, we can find a way to support the next generation.”

This bloodline of peafowl dating back nearly 80 years ago when it was used as a ranch by Prosper Jacob Goumond who brought cattle, horses and birds, the peacocks making for excellent watchdogs due to the reach of their calls.

Las Vegas City Councilwoman Nancy Brune talks about the peacocks at Floyd Lamb Park at Tule Springs on Thursday, Jan. 11, 2024. (Eric Jungblut / KLAS)

Councilwoman Brune spoke with 8 News Now about what organizations would be able to provide more resources to save this bloodline of remaining peacocks, mentioning the Centennial Commission and the State Historic Preservation Office.

However, with no resources or plan for an introduction of a new wild peahen it appears this will be the last generation from the Goumond ranch unless something changes.

“I hope not, but we will see what happens,” Hudson said.

The City of Las Vegas responded to 8 News Now about how they plan to approach the issue of preserving this generation of peacocks at Floyd Lamb Park:

(Eric Jungblut / KLAS)

Floyd Lamb Park at Tule Springs is a historic location that is treasured by the residents of Las Vegas. The peacocks at the park are believed to be descendants of the animals that Prosper Jacob Goumond brought to the park when it was a ranch about 80 years ago. Throughout all these decades there have always been peacocks at Floyd Lamb Park and the city has no plans to change that. The city preserves and protects Floyd Lamb Park for the enjoyment of today’s visitors and for future generations.

Passive recreation

If peacocks aren’t your style, park monitors offer guided tours on “Walking Wednesdays” in the historic fields area of Floyd Lamb Park, teaching about how the former ranch came to be a city park. The four ponds about the property boast fishing tournaments and clinics held by the Nevada Department of Wildlife.

Although there are no horses at the stable, Hudson encourages people to come out to the garden beds behind the corral open for reservation.

(Eric Jungblut / KLAS)

“People can go online or stop by our gatehouse and ask how to go about reserving those,” she said. “You can reserve the garden bed for $30 for six months at a time.”

Wildlife is not exclusive to the park as Councilwoman Brune pointed to Barn Buddies Rescue, a property that has saved all stripes of animals.

“They do great work, it’s the only place that helps support large animals that have been left for dead in the desert and abandoned,” she said. “It’s a great place where you can also see a ton of peacocks, llamas, pigs, burros and horses.”

(Eric Jungblut / KLAS)

For those with horses already in tow Councilwoman Brune highlighted the nearby Bradley Bridle Park as another option to enjoy the surrounding area.

“What makes Ward 6 so special is our history with our rural lifestyle and our horse culture,” she said.

Al Bundy Returns PhD in Women's Shoes to Youngstown University

 

No, I'm NOT kidding. Al "Stinkfoot" Bundy has a fucking Doctorate from fucking Youngstown University, I shit thee fucking negatively!

If that's not enough to knock your balls off, he went to college right down the fucking street from me. 

He's giving it back for some reason I don't give a shit about at all. I'm just stunned he has any education at all. I have no idea what to do here--my entire fucking worldview is shattered. I'll be a sonofabitch!

Youngstown native Ed O'Neill, famous for his roles as Al Bundy on Married... with Children and Jay Pritchett on Modern Family, says he's giving back his honorary doctorate from Youngstown State University.

https://www.wfmj.com/story/50137241/ed-oneill-says-hes-giving-back-honorary-doctorate-from-ysu-after-bill-johnson-is-named-university-president

An article from Ideastream Public Media quotes O'Neill as saying, "I've got a doctorate from YSU, an honorary doctorate that I'm going to give back. I don't want it... I'm going to start calling it Trump-U. And I think a lot of people feel that way."

The article also quotes O'Neill as saying "I know he's saying it's not political. Of course it is. If you would say it isn't, you'd have to be an artichoke."

O'Neill went to YSU in the 1960s and played football for the Penguins as a defensive lineman.

The article quotes him as saying that a process involving the faculty and students should have been used.

O'Neill isn't the only big name to voice concerns about Johnson's appointment. Entrepreneur Bruce Zoldan told 21 News he's considering removing his name from the student center currently dubbed the Zoldan Family Center.