Fuckhead American Folk Songs About Murderous Slaves and Panicked Horses' Assholes

I recently read a story about Biden's black staffers leaving his administration en mass. Personally, I think if he were still sitting on a big black caucus like he used to, the black staff wouldn't be pulling out, but that's another conversation.

When I read this, I couldn't help imagining Biden casually singing "Jimmy Cracked Corn" as he strolls through the White House. I've no idea whether he does this or not, but it wouldn't be unusual, because this song is one of the most popular songs in American history, and I think most people have no idea how REALLY FUCKING WEIRD it is.

Did you know this song was about a slave whose job it was to swat flies away from a horse's asshole? I swear I'm not making this up. Apparently he sucked at his job, and a fly bit his master's horse right in his puckered asshole, and the horse panicked and bucked, and shot his master off his back and he landed head first on a rock that cracked his skull open. Oddly enough, this case went all the way to trial, and somehow a bunch of white slavers on the jury came to the conclusion that the slave was innocent. One can only imagine in a one-horse town full of shitkickin hillbillies, the dead slaver fucked all their wives or something.

This might be the single weirdest fuckin story I've ever read, and the only thing weirder is the fact that some fuckhead wrote a song about it, and that song became a song we all learned in elementary school growing up. What the hell is the lesson to be had there? To be sure not to miss a fly when commissioned to guard a horse's asshole? To never trust a slave to do so? To ensure slaves get their day in court and judged by a bunch of slavers? To make sure if you're a slaver, you do the right thing by a slave who killed his master? I don't know what the fuck to make of this story or the song, but just when you thought it couldn't get any weirder, try to imagine a choir director trying to arrange backup vocals for this song.

How many singers in this choir, when told what they were going to be singing, said "Is this seriously what my life has come to? I don't want to sing a song about slaves and horses' assholes! This is bullshit!"

I bet professional choirs have a high suicide rate, from the really stupid shit they're forced to sing. Maybe that's how choirs originally formed.

Here's how I imagine this conversation playing out...

"Dick, we're going to need a singer willing to sing some really, REALLY stupid shit."

"Well, Bob, considering how completely fuckin' retarded the lyrics are, we better hire at least 25."

"It's a solo, Dick."

"Well sure it is Bob, but nobody's going to want to sing this shit. For fuck's sake, Bob, the song is about a slave swatting flies away from a horse's asshole, and how sucking at it got his master killed. Would you want to sing this in front of a crowd? I figure a dozen won't even show, and another dozen are going to blow their brains out when they realize how low their career has sunk. Think about it, Bob. 25--if I'm right we got a solo, and if I'm wrong we got a choir!"

"I bet I'm not the only one who calls you "Dick," am I?"

"Oh, you're not alone in that, Bob. You're not alone."

https://www.wikiwand.com/en/Jimmy_Crack_Corn

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Did Kamala Harris' Mom Fuck A Horse?

Honestly--and I'd say this no matter what her politics are about. It doesn't matter. Look at that face. Look at that fucked up face. I haven't seen anything more horselike since last time I got bit while teasing a horse with an apple.

Do not tease this face with an apple,

because she WILL bite your ass.

Post Here What Other Disqus Sites Delete Or Send To Pending...

Some asshole sent your post to pending on another site?

Post it here instead. Feel free to post a link to the offending site, and STILL have your say.

There are no blacklisted words here. Say whatever you want about anything anywhere, cuss and swear all you want, and I won't delete it unless it contains excreta, puts my site at risk, or is someone persistently fucking with me to see how much of my time I'll waste playing fetch. I don't play that game.

Have your say, and FUCK 'EM!

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Threshold (TV Series 2005-2006)

Threshold is an American science fiction drama television series that first aired on CBS in September 2005. Produced by Brannon Braga, David S. Goyer and David Heyman, the series focuses on a secret government project investigating the first contact with an extraterrestrial species.

Overview

The series stars Carla Gugino as Dr. Molly Caffrey, a high-level government crisis management consultant from the Blackwood Institute whose job is to create contingency plans for use in emergencies ranging from natural disasters to nuclear war. In order to have "all bases covered", one of her plans, code-named Threshold, is developed for dealing with the unlikely eventuality of first contact with aliens. One night, the crew of a U.S. naval vessel encounters a UFO. Many crew members subsequently die horribly, but some escape. After the ship is discovered with dead crew members and a videotape of the encounter, the Threshold protocol is activated.

Caffrey's Threshold plan calls for the formation of a secret government task force known as the Red Team. As a result, several top scientists are seconded: Dr. Nigel Fenway (Brent Spiner), an individualistic NASA-employed microbiologist; Lucas Pegg (Rob Benedict), a somewhat unsure-of-himself aerospace engineer on the eve of his marriage, and Arthur Ramsey (Peter Dinklage), a mathematics and linguistics genius with a penchant for unpredictability, alcohol and women. Caffrey's government liaison is Deputy National Security Advisor J.T. Baylock (Charles S. Dutton), while freelance paramilitary operative Sean Cavennaugh (Brian Van Holt) serves as the "muscle" of the group (and apparent potential love interest for Caffrey). Daphne Larson (Catherine Bell) was added to the team in the episode "Outbreak". Caffrey's team works under absolute secrecy, their activities not even known to the Vice-President, or the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Threshold learns that the aliens are attempting to rewrite the DNA of the human race using, in part, an audio signal that somehow alters some people's body chemistry in such a way that they become alien themselves. Central to all this is a fractal triskelion pattern that keeps appearing – in electronic signals, blood, and even the pattern made by city lights. Its significance has yet to be revealed, though Arthur Ramsey interpreted it as representing a DNA pattern in a triple helix formation (like the alien DNA).

The episodes focus on Caffrey and her team as they learn more about the signal, the fractal pattern, and the aliens. Often, their work requires them to impersonate different U.S. Government agencies. Compounding the situation, Caffrey, Cavennaugh and Pegg were exposed to a small part of the signal, which while not (as yet) infecting them, has nonetheless altered their brains, causing the trio to have bizarre, linked dreams, and also receive messages from the aliens with Caffrey, in particular, experiencing frightening, often violent hallucinations. Individuals experiencing these visions have been referred to as "dreamers" by the Threshold Red Team.

THE ENTIRE SERIES IS FREE TO WATCH ON YOUTUBE!

Gaylord Bashing In Michigan

It looks like a Gaylord in Michigan got bashed to shit.

 

Grimm

Grimm is an American fantasy police procedural drama television series created by Stephen Carpenter and Jim Kouf & David Greenwalt and produced by Universal Television for NBC. The series aired from October 28, 2011 to March 31, 2017, for 123 episodes, over six seasons. The series' narrative follows Portland homicide detective Nicholas Burkhardt (played by David Giuntoli), who discovers he is a Grimm, the latest in a line of guardians who is sworn to keep the balance between humanity and mythological creatures, known as Wesen. The series features a supporting cast with Russell Hornsby, Bitsie Tulloch, Silas Weir Mitchell, Sasha Roiz, Reggie Lee, Bree Turner, and Claire Coffee.

Homicide investigator Nick Burkhardt of the Portland Police Department learns he is descended from a line of guardians known as Grimms, charged with keeping balance between humanity and the Wesen, or mythological creatures of the world (Wesen is the German word for being or creature). Throughout the series, he must battle against an assortment of dangerous creatures with help from his Wesen friend, Monroe, and his partner, Detective Hank Griffin.

Black Claw and Hadrian's Wall (HW) are two opposing groups repeatedly mentioned in the series where many characters belong to these creature (wesen) groups.

Opening: "There once was a man who lived a life so strange, it had to be true. Only he could see what no one else can—the darkness inside, the real monster within, and he's the one who must stop them. This is his calling. This is his duty. This is the life of a Grimm."

How Did Homos End Up Owning The Weather?

How did homos end up owning rainbows? Rainbows are a physical weather phenomenon, not a mascot. Is our society so fucked up that we're going to allow all the properties of nature to become brands for groups? Are the golden shower fetishists going to presume to own clouds now to symbolize rainy weather? Are the butt fetishists going to pretend they own volcanos? I used to love rainbows--not as a symbol, but just as a cool optical phenomenon. Now if I try to discuss optics, the conversation immediately drifts to homo shit, and prompts the question of where I stand on some buttfucker's stupid political issues.

Dammit, the perverts are ruining physics!

Arkansas Police Conclude 27 Victims Shot By One Man An Accident, Which Doesn't Count As A Mass Shooting

I think I've finally found someone dumber than Al Bundy--and guess what? He's a homicide detective! lol

 

Is It Time To Round Up the Midgets?

Violence between midgets is a tragedy during a dwarf shortage, and I say it's time to put an end to it.

National Lampoon's Dirty Movie (2011)

PARENTS DO YOUR JOB!

An outrageous cut-rate producer, Charlie LaRue (Christopher Meloni) is about to fulfill his lifelong dream to make a movie about the most offensive, dirtiest jokes ever told. As Charlie and his filmmaking team hilariously struggle to write a script and assemble their award-winning cast, the movie-within-a-movie emerges with one dirty joke after another. Only one can take the crown for writing the dirtiest joke ever told and Charlie will do whatever he can to be that king. 

The Tactical Genius Of Putin, Biden, and Zelensky

♫ It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine. ♫

I'm surprised to hear anyone question Biden's tactical expertise. After evacuating civilians in Afghanistan after pulling out the military necessary to do so and abandoning our weapons to the enemy, and after giving permission to a Russian invasion force to invade just a little bit, not to mention delivering a global warning to Russia on the world stage, and forgetting the name of the country they're invading. I'd say his genius speaks for itself.

Frankly, the only tactical genius I trust more than Biden's is that of the Ukrainian president Zelensky, who paraded his gay ass in high heels to the world's toughest mob boss bordering his country and played the dick with his piano as a stern warning to Putin.

The more tactical brilliance I see from world leaders, the more I admire monkeys in a zoo throwing their shit at eachother, but the good news is that even though they lack the intelligence and tactical genius of monkeys in a zoo, at least they have trillions of dollars and the entire nuclear arsenal of the world to play with.

I hate to sound like a total dick, but I feel very reassured by these things because I value entertainment, and there is nothing more entertaining than the news is now. I thought the Black Lynch Mob burning down the nation in 2020 was amazing, but this shit is going to put the news on a totally different level! lol

If you really think about it, it's like watching an angry drunk play with powertools. You can't stop it because he'll attack you, 911's got you on hold for some reason, and you just KNOW something amazing is about to happen, so you're forced to watch while he makes the world a lot more interesting.

Watching these talking monkeys like Putin, Biden, and Zelensky play with their armies, is like a cartoon. You've got the psychotic madman starting another world war--and who sponaniously motorboats little boys' stomachs in public, you've got the prancing butthungry buttdart baiting him to do it, then you've got the 100 year old senile imbecile who can't hold his mud anymore, and who is famous for grabbing kids by their head from behind to sniff them and holds press conferences about kids petting his wet leg hair, and he's trying to stop it with utterly imaginary amount of money while his country's economy is tanking. 

I admit I'm somewhat perverse, in that I'm the kind who would vote for Sarah Palin just to see what would happen--but I think we would all feel a lot better if we just relaxed and enjoyed the show. There's nothing we can do about it, so just make some popcorn and watch the world burn.

Be honest, this movie has got some of the best writing, amazing characters with the strangest backstories, and some of the best production quality ever!

Anyone who is terrified by what is happening in the world right now just doesn't appreciate good entertainment, and doesn't know a good show when they see one.

Admit it: It is a GREAT time to be alive!

Johnny Depp

I am extremely pleased to say I know not one goddam thing, and I don't want to, about whatever reality keeps putting his aging face on my muted screen when I skip through news stories, because I have not once read or watched a single detail. The second I see his face, I skip past it, just like I do with all actors and more importantly, pretty actresses in all movies I've come to enjoy, when their image wanders from the screen of fictional stories I like and somehow ends up in the real world.

I don't know and I don't want to know anything about the personal lives of Johnny Depp or any other actor.

It's yet another example of my neverending sermon that people are for what they're for.

I look to actors for entertainment, and if they're good at that, they're good as gold. I don't care if they hold a reasonable position on foreign policy, whether they can rebuild a transmission, or whether they gave their spouse a "Chicago Sunroof" for their birthday. I don't even want to know. I just want to enjoy their performance. 

Johnny Depp is there to rock or suck in movies, and I refuse to defile whatever enjoyment or annoyance I get from his movies by giving a sailing fuck about his personal life, any more than I will stop naming my Kleenex after Gwyneth Paltrow because her exploding vagina candles are setting morons' houses on fire, or stop enjoying the Dark Tower movie because Matthew McConaughey sucks in everything else he does, or Stephen King thinks a horror fiction writers' advice should be taken on how to make the world a better place, or for that matter, harking back to my teens and my fond thoughts of Alyssa Milano because she's insane now.

Reality has absolutely no business in fiction, and I consider it a tragically immoral activity to pretend the actors who convey its beauty--to drag them into the real world as if they were real people whose opinions mattered, and whose real lives we should give a shit about at all. We shouldn't give a shit, because it ruins a good movie.

When we defile fiction, all we have left is a broken and uninspired reality, and when we cut into fictional characters and dig up their real lives, all we get is dirty.

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Kelly Bundy Leads Queaf Anthem and Queaf Parade Spanning Four Generations

 I didn't think Kelly Bundy could get any more amusing, or frankly more bizarre in her behavior, but you can tell by her mother, grandmother, and great grandmother behind her in their Family Synchronized Queafing Float at the National Dynastic Queaf Parade, that she's reaching entirely new levels.

I never thought I'd see a Dynastic Queaf Parade, or for that matter, any dynasty based on queafing at all, and the only thing that could possibly top this is the wonderful anthem the entire NYC crowd joined in on, with their lighters held high like it was a Journey concert.

Doesn't it make you glad to be alive? 

Where do YOU stand on the important issue of public queafing?

Let's all hold hands and sing the Queaf Anthem together!

♫ There’s a time in out lives, when we must listen to the oppressed ♫

♫ And realize that we’ve been keeping women down ♫

♫ They have power and they have courage ♫

♫ And we must all stand by the belief ♫

♫ That a woman is strong, and she has the right to queef ♫

♫ Fly free ♫

♫ Free to queef aloud ♫

♫ Fly free ♫

♫ Let every queef show that you’re proud ♫

♫ You face so many challenges to put an end to your grief ♫

♫ You’re a woman now and you are free to queef ♫

♫ It’s time for equality ♫

♫ we must give them the respect they deserve ♫

♫ They’re just the same as you and me ♫

♫ their rights must be preserved ♫

♫ Queef free (Queef free) ♫

♫ Every woman has the right ♫

♫ Queef free (Queef free) ♫

♫ Let your queefing stars shine bright ♫

♫ You are woman, hear you roar (Queef free)♫

♫ Queefing too loud to ignore ♫

♫ Queef a little each day and let your soul take flight ♫

♫ Aaaaahhhh ♫

♫ Queef free ♫

FREEDOM!!! BE FREE FROM VIDEO FLICKER IN ANY VIDEO FOREVER!

 Are you sick and tired of the goddam video flicker of every video out there, because even current producers think the antiquated 24 frames per second still makes sense--even though it was only ever used to save money on camera film, and they don't even use film in movies anymore?

SVP WILL FREE YOU FOREVER!!!

https://www.svp-team.com/get/

Better yet, it works like a toaster--it just works--you don't have to know anything to use it, no settings, no complicated video terminology, just open a file and play it. 

Just install it without changing any options and use the also installed MPC-HC MEDIA PLAYER to open and play any video, and then enjoy a flicker free existence with videos that finally look REAL and no longer flicker and judder.

Remember, you don't have to change any settings, and disregard the aesthetic "old style" look of the MPC-HC Media Player, because it works great!

Weird, Strange, Odd, Unusual, Wrong, Freakish, Uncommon, Bizarre, and Totally Inappropriate Things To Brighten Your Boring Day

I tend to pay closer attention when everything gets thoroughly weird, and enjoy life a whole lot more.

Post the strangest shit you find entertaining. It doesn't matter what it is, as long as it's unusual and unexpected. 

No porn or excreta please. If you must discuss politics, okay--but it's hardly unusual and boring as whale shit. Every time I see or hear the name of a fucking president anymore, I feel like barfing my guts out.

Did you know there are such things as Vampire Squids? No shit. That's pretty cool, hunh? Never thought I'd see a squid go Goth. lol

Please enjoy this picture of his puckered asshole.

Smashed Flatter Than Hammered Shit!

 Let's watch some EPIC FAILS!

Post your favorite videos of accidents, collisions, and anything else where people are crashing, smashing, and cartwheeling their ass to heaven! (no kids)

Let's start with a 130 car pileup!

Clerks and Clerks 2

Clerks

Dante Hicks, a young man who works as a retail clerk at Quick Stop Groceries in Leonardo, New Jersey, is called into work on his day off to cover another employee's morning shift. Arriving at the store, he finds that the locks to the security shutters are jammed closed with chewing gum, so he hangs a sheet over them with a message written in shoe polish: "I ASSURE YOU; WE'RE OPEN!". Soon after opening, Dante's best friend, wisecracking slacker Randal Graves, arrives for his own workday at the video rental store next door.

Clerks 2

Ten years after the events of the first film, Dante (Brian O'Halloran) opens the Quick Stop convenience store to find that it is on fire; Randal (Jeff Anderson) had left the coffee pot on after closing the night before. Because Quick Stop and the adjacent RST Video have been destroyed, Dante and Randal begin working at a Mooby's fast food restaurant along with Elias (Trevor Fehrman) and their manager Becky Scott (Rosario Dawson).

A year later, Dante is planning to leave his minimum wage lifestyle in favor of family life in Florida with his fiancée Emma Bunting (Jennifer Schwalbach), whose father will provide them with a home and a business to run. Afraid of losing his best friend, Randal becomes resentful towards Dante and Emma. Jay and Silent Bob (Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith) have followed Dante and Randal, and now loiter outside of Mooby's. Although they continue to sell drugs, Jay and Silent Bob have become sober after they were arrested for possession and sent to rehab; they become devout Christians after their release.

Sherlock

 

Sherlock depicts "consulting detective" Sherlock Holmes (Benedict Cumberbatch) solving various mysteries in modern-day London. Holmes is assisted by his flatmate and friend, Dr John Watson (Martin Freeman), who has returned from military service in Afghanistan with the Royal Army Medical Corps. Although Metropolitan Police Service Detective Inspector Greg Lestrade (Rupert Graves) and others are suspicious of Holmes at first, over time, his exceptional intellect and bold powers of observation persuade them of his value. In part through Watson's blog documenting their adventures, Holmes becomes a reluctant celebrity with the press reporting on his cases and eccentric personal life. Both ordinary people and the British government ask for his help.

House M.D.

 

House (also called House, M.D.) is an American medical drama television series that originally ran on the Fox network for eight seasons, from November 16, 2004 to May 21, 2012. The series' main character is Dr. Gregory House (Hugh Laurie), an unconventional, misanthropic medical genius who, despite his dependence on pain medication, leads a team of diagnosticians at the fictional Princeton–Plainsboro Teaching Hospital (PPTH) in New Jersey. The series' premise originated with Paul Attanasio, while David Shore, who is credited as creator, was primarily responsible for the conception of the title character.

American Dad!

The show focuses on the eccentric upper middle class Smith family in the fictional community of Langley Falls, Virginia and their four housemates:[4] Father, husband, CIA agent, Republican, and breadwinner Stan; his wife and homemaker/housewife, Francine; their leftist, hippie, college-aged daughter, Hayley; and their dorky high-school-aged son, Steve. There are three additional main characters, including Hayley's boyfriend and later husband, Jeff Fischer; the family's unusual goldfish, Klaus, who has the brain of an East German athlete; and Roger, the alien, who is a deceitful, treacherous, self-serving master of disguise.[13][14] Stan's boss Avery Bullock, the Deputy Director of the Central Intelligence Agency, is a recurring character.